Better Living Through Chemistry
Per my psychiatrist, I’m now in partial remission of my chronic major depression, which I’ve been treated for over the last ten weeks. [Yeah, I'm one of those people who looks at the DSM-IV codes written on my chart after every session, memorizes it, and then goes home to look up the code's meaning when I get home.] Below is a list of the people I have become since going on anti-depressants, talking through the underlying issues in my life, and thinking about what I own and what I don’t own in my history:
- The person who awakens every morning before dawn long before an alarm clock beckons me to arise. Anyone who’s ever lived with me is probably stunned by that revelation. I am the person who, in February during the worst of my most recent episode, moved the alarm clock into the bathroom so that I’d already be halfway to the shower by the time I woke up. Now I’m routinely awake and refreshed before 0600, and often before 0500. The last time I was doing that, Boris Yeltsin was coming to power in Russia. [I say that because I distinctly remember watching footage on The Today Show of tanks rolling in Moscow one morning in our living room in Forest, Miss.]
- The person who folds laundry and makes his bed. [The hell?! I've never made my bed in my life except under duress.] I was doing this just a few minutes ago, and I was quite struck by it.
- The person who is far more cognizant of his eating habits. Look, I didn’t get to be as fat as I am overnight. I look at photos of me in college and am a bit shocked to look at the weight gain from then until now. It has been a long, long time since I’ve been anything close to what you’d call skinny, but these days, it’s honestly a realizable goal, one I’m starting to wrap my head around. From a quality of life perspective, this is #1A behind the #1 of “not being so depressed that I just flat-out can’t function in life above a subsistence level” that was, of course, the main push behind going into treatment in the first place. The big thing is this: I can see myself making the responsible choices that will get my weight under control. I can visualize myself being a skinnier dude and finding the will to make it happen. Quite honestly, I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I felt this way, but I do know that it’s been a while.
I’m really excited to see what this new me has in store. I look at what I have achieved over the last few years at work in a time where I’ve been so weighed down with my own negative self-perceptions and lack of drive to attack problems as they come that I’m honestly a little bit scared of what I might achieve unshackled from my former demons. I worked 67 hours last week, and until the end of it, I attacked problems with gusto, to the point that I was afraid that I was experiencing hypomania. [Yes, I mentioned this to my psychiatrist, and she determined that I wasn't hypomanic---despite the fact that I was exhibiting noticeable psychomotor agitation when I was in her office. Instead, she chalked all that up to stress and anxiety.] Sure, I was wound down by Friday and Saturday, but I had a reason to be wound down. [One of those reasons undoubtedly was being at the office until 2230 on a Friday night, then turning around to be there at 0700 the next day. But hey, the shit shipped.]
This is not to say that I am Right or Perfect or even Very Good. I can still be a raging asshole at times. I still make dumb decisions. I’m still not owning up to all of my failings. But I am so far out of the hole that I can see a whole lot of sky above me, and that gives me reason to keep on climbing. That’s as good an argument as any I know for seeking treatment.
man, so good to hear that you’re doing better. reading that post made me happier than watching the Celtics win a few minutes ago.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:09 pmGOOD FOR YOU I knew it would happen for you just not sure when.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:52 amHi Geof,
It’s Lisa, who posts at Granades. Just joined LinkedIn and saw you (& Stephen and Misty) so, of course, I followed the links to your blogs.
First off… Congratulations! For recognizing the problem and tackling it! And for celebrating feeling better and sharing! I know the feeling & I’m rooting for you!
When I read your posts, I debated on whether or not to intrude, but decided encouragement couldn’t hurt and shared struggle can be encouraging. So many of the things you said resonated!
I’ve battled depression off and on (currently on). I’m a complete believer in better living through chemistry. Right now it’s time to hie myself to the doctor to adjust my meds up because I’m falling into the “up too late” & “can’t get up” cycle again… I, too, have used the alarm in the bathroom, on a brass tray, on top of the commode method for rising!
When I read about your bed making being an indicator of improvement, I had to concur. Routines (making the bed, firing up a load of laundry before I go to work and drying it when I get home, etc.) do help in the battle. A lot. Not only is the house being in decent shape a mood lifter, routines can be a great gauge on where the depression really stands. I’ve been in denial at times, but the fact that the routines weren’t getting done was enough to break through.
I was lucky enough to find my routines just before I recognized the depression… or rather a friend shoved the phone in my hand in the middle of a crying jag and said, “You need counseling. I’m standing here until you call Pastor Randy.”
I was sobbing because the house was a wreck and I just couldn’t understand why a relatively intelligent person couldn’t motivate herself to take care of the basics of everyday life. I’d joined a board on home organization and tried the routines. They were simple and I just couldn’t do them consistently. While work wasn’t in bad shape (I understand that’s usually the last to go), the fact that the home routines were not getting done plus Jan shoving the phone in my hand cracked the last vestiges of resistance. Counseling and meds later, I knew I was getting better because the routines were, well, routine!
The ceiling does lift! My depression seems to be situational so I experience ups and downs. At least now I recognize the downs and can take some action. Every time I wonder, all I’ve got to do is look at the state of the house. I can feel quite low but if stuff is getting done, I’m pretty sure it will pass. Weight is another battle of mine… and, yes, I think it’s also related to depression and what food does to stimulate the pleasure centers in the brain.
And speaking of routines, my witching hour approaches. If I don’t get my 7 hrs, it shows! So I’ll sign off now.
Good luck and don’t be discouraged if you experience cycles! You are on the right track! And fingers crossed on the weight - keep visualizing that healthy dude!
June 24th, 2008 at 11:00 pmHi, Lisa! Thanks.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:22 pmSure thing!
June 26th, 2008 at 7:36 pmKeepin’ ya in prayer!
Dude, I’ve been following via the feed. I was spending some time catching up Friday and noticed this (and the preceding) post. While I can’t feel your pain I can certainly relate.
I am a depressive and spent the better part of my life dealing with it alone. I had no idea that not everyone felt like I do. It wasn’t until things got really bad about five years ago that I finally told my doctor about my feelings. While the chemistry didn’t work for me, the talk therapy did. I walked through my valley and talked my way through it and came out the other side, smarter and stronger than when I went in.
While I don’t believe I’m “cured” I do believe I’m far better armed to recognize and deal with the feelings when they come. I believe you can get there too, my friend. God bless you and you’re in my prayers.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:22 amHey, friend.
September 1st, 2008 at 3:03 pmI’m getting there. Thanks.