GFMorris.com

At my weariest, I find that I’m the most restless. In the past, this has caused me to make great changes in my life, oftentimes surprising the people around me. I can see how a lot of these changes would seem like that they happen out of the blue—perhaps, in a way, living non sequiturs. I’ve been accused of making snap decisions and then holding to them like a pit bull with his jaw locked: fair accusation.

But if you were inside my head—a nice, scary place, mind you—you’d see that I think about the seemingly instantaneous changes of direction for a good, long time before acting. This thought isn’t always conscious; in fact, it’s rarely vocalized, even inside my own head.

I’m notorious—in my own mind, anyway—for going for a drive when I need to figure something out. I believe in the power of subconscious thinking, of consciously doing something else while letting my mind think-but-not-think about some problem. This often happens at restless points in my life, because when I’m restless, there’s usually some decision that I’m subconsciously realizing that I need to make.

Or so the working theory goes.

About twenty minutes ago, I got up from the keyboard, walked the eight feet into the living room, turned, and walked back. What did I come over here for? Turn. What was I … oh yes, the glass. Water iced, I sat back down. What’s going on in my head? What am I thinking about that I can’t realize? I’m still really not quite sure, because trying to find it means that I’ll just have to chase it ever harder.

It’s tempting to grab my keys, my Birkenstocks, my wallet, and a hat, hop in the truck, and go driving around for a while. But I think that my restlessness might not be from indecision, but more from just general weariness. It was a rough week at work, and while the bossman said I made some good decisions, I’m frustrated that some of the solutions didn’t come to me faster. I’d write about that a lot more, but it gets into ego issues and my place in the office and, well, Google could show me up pretty damn fast. Just know that I’m in a weird position being way younger than my peers. I know that I’ve earned my boss’s trust, but I feel like I have a lot of trust to earn with the other people I work with. Being in this weird place is wearing on me, but honestly, I think that things are going in the right direction.

At the end of every week, I think of the same Over The Rhine lyric: They’ve taken a toll these latter days. It’s so true. I keep wanting to say that it’s cumulative, but honestly, some weeks are easier than others when viewed in hindsight. But man … it’s really corporately kicking all of our asses. I see a lot of tired faces at the office, and I see them in the mirror when I get home.

Weariness breeds restlessness, and so does unresolved thinking. I’m betting on the former, but I may wake up at 0415 to some grand revelation. [I sure hope not, though; I need some sleep this weekend.]