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What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be.
Lord knows we’ve learned the hard way all about healthy apathy.
And I use these words pretty loosely.
There’s so much more to life than words.

– Over the Rhine, Good Dog, Bad Dog, “Latter Days”

Kari notes that fall makes her melancholy and that it makes her husband, Mike, introspective. It does a little of both to me, I think.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately—and with all that’s going on, you’d be surprised if I wasn’t. I’ve been working at getting more things done, and the attitude of action allows my mind to work on a higher plane and sort things out. I’m one of those people who gets lots of good thinking done subconsciously while doing mundane tasks—driving is a favorite activity of mine purely for that reason. [Unless, that is, I'm tired; then it's a chore, because if I spend time thinking, I slip into dreamland very, very easily.]

I’ve been working on “healthy apathy” by forcing myself to let go a little more. Part of that comes from, actually, being more productive less often. As Anthony often says, “Engineers like efficiency because we’re essentially lazy.” I’ve been forcing myself to take time off to do other things, and that’s been a good thing for me to do. I know that I’m a lot happier as a result.

There’s so much more going on in my head, but there really is so much more to life than words.

There is a me you would not recognize, dear. Call it the shadow of myself.
And if the music starts before I get there dance without me. You dance so gracefully.
I really think I’ll be o.k. They’ve taken their toll these latter days.

– Ibid.

The shadow of myself is likely cast from changing light. I’ve gone from seeing myself as a temporary engineer to seeing myself permanently in this gig—well, as permanently as I ever do anything in my life. You know what? I’ve totally accepted it without really trying, and I have a great peace because of it.

I won’t say, though, that coming to that stage of acceptance hasn’t come without some pain and some frustration. You don’t change the way you image yourself without some amount of heartache, while I wasn’t trying to accept a shift in life priorities, I wasn’t fighting it, either. I was, if you will, going with the flow.

Nothin’ like sleepin’ on a bed of nails. Nothin’ much here but our broken dreams.
Ah, but baby if all else fails, nothin’ is ever quite what it seems.
And I’m dyin’ inside to leave you with more than just cliches.

– Ibid.

Even as I sit here, I feel that this whole entry is clichéd, especially snagging little pieces of “Latter Days” in order to help me focus and tell the story. Consider this my apology for being a hack.

But tell them it’s real. Tell them it’s really real.
I just don’t have much left to say.
They’ve taken their toll these latter days.
They’ve taken their toll these latter days.

– Ibid.

It’s really real. I’m staying here for now. I’m even going back to graduate school.