I can write about this here … IM.o is much less traveled, for a variety of reasons. Also, it’s disconnected from the rest of my writing.

I’ve started a relationship with a lovely young lady. We’re both in the SGA together, and I’ve long thought she was quite attractive. Now, she is single again, and for whatever reason, I have been led to her. I can’t say that this is God leading me for sure, but here I am anyway.

By the standards of Meatloaf, I’m not doin’ real good, ’cause one out of three ain’t good. Asked her out last Monday night for a Friday night date … she assented, but then 20 seconds later realized that she had to go home that weekend or risk certain death from the parents. I did get her to go to dinner with me last night, but she was pretty uptight about the impending SGA meeting, and while we had a good time, most of what we talked about was SGA stuff. Not great.

Just did call and ask for a date Friday night–alluded to on my site earlier today–but she already had plans with some friends. Some might think that’s another guy, but I’m not sure; she has been clear, though, that she’s still seeing her ex-boyfriend from time to time … including this Thursday night.
And here’s where I break down a bit. The brave front begins to dissolve, and the doubt creeps in.

To provide just a touch of backstory to introduce the Bible citation, let me tell you about the new community I’m a part of. I’m a huge fan of the band Caedmons’s Call, as I’ve discussed before. CC has inspired a fan site, the cleverly named caedmonscall.net. cc.net has a bulletin board, and over the past couple of weeks, I’ve immersed myself into that community.

One of the people I’ve gotten to know is a guy named Keith, who’s a student at Gonzaga up in Washington State. Keith and I have talked about me asking the lady out on a date off and on today through the board, and he and I were talking before and after I called her. When I began to open up to him about my fears about being in competition–real and perceived–for her, he and I got to talking about the significance of that spiritually. He mentioned something about it needing to be a relationship that God would guide me to. Frankly, I think He has, in some ways–for whatever purpose, whether it be that she’s The Right One or just another woman to teach me about things before The Right One comes along.

Then, Keith quoted a Psalm: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” For the record, that’s Psalm 51:17, and the whole of Psalm 51 can be found here. The observant reader will note that this Psalm was written by David after meeting with the prophet Nathan about his adulterous acts with Bathsheba.

This may seem odd, but is it, really? The relationship that all Christians have with Christ is probably best analogued with marriage. We’re all adulterous towards that relationship with God through Christ, cheating on Him with our false gods and the flirtations with our old selves. I’m as guilty as anyone of that. This is the same Psalm where David famously writes, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Keith said something to me that was profound: to hold everything with an open hand, and to let God take what He wants to take according to His will and to give according to His will. Profound, that. Thanks, Keith. I’ll try to remember that.

Seeing as this involves Caedmon’s Call peripherally, it’s time to–yet again!–drag up Derek Webb’s “Table For Two”. I’ve dissected this song before from the prospect of a lost chance at love. I’ve also quoted it at the possibility of new love, too. I’m there again, but there’s something I want to focus upon … and why not take just a skosh more time and link to the song lyrics so it’s all out there.

The last two verses are the important ones, especially the penultimate one:

Well this day’s been crazy but everything’s happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt
‘Cause You knew how You’d save me before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt

God knew that I would be at this point in this relationship. While I might argue that God isn’t a pre-destining God, but rather one that, being unconstrained by time, can work all things together for good and use the choices we make using our free will–good and bad–to glorify Him, there’s a lot of truth in that verse. God did know this day long before He made me out of dirt. He knew that I would come to a point like I am right now, and rather than act silly, I should lean on Him.

…

I’m vaguely aware that this entry isn’t the most linear entry, but I can’t help but letting it be. I’m thinking on so many things at once … and especially am just cognizant that I need to settle and let God take control of this situation. I think He already has in many ways … the idea for the date I had planned simply happened to me last night when I was driving home. It’s not anything I would have thought of spontaneously, but it just … came to me. I can’t explain that, whether it’s providential or not.

Clearly, this is a source of concern, but also of joy. She is a lovely woman, someone about whom I already am beginning to care quite a fair amount. Maybe … that’s the word of the evening.