“…but everything’s happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I splled on my shirt
‘Cause you knew how You’d save me before I fell dead in the garden
You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt”

“Table for Two”, 40 Acres, ©1999 Caedmon’s Call

Love is a many-splendored thing. Its beauty, its joy, and its pain all come from the one thing that is required to really hold onto it and make it yours: vulnerability. Any love–romantic, brotherly, filial, Godly–requires vulnerability. Why? You have to leave yourself vulnerable because love requires trust. It has to require it, because trust is what makes a loving relationship different from any other.

Perhaps it would be easier if we could love without being vulnerable … but would that be love? I don’t think so.
“But you know I know better, I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothin’
‘Cause if the birds and the flowers survive, I’ll make it okay
Given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day”

It’s that possibility … that delicious possibility that drives us to love. Why do people seek religion? I have to think, as a Christian, that it’s a desire to seek that One Love that’s not going to break the vulnerability and trust you give to it. Every other love–that between man and woman, brother and sister, father and son, friend and friend–will abuse that vulnerability and break that trust at some point. But we get up, dust ourselves off, and go back again … because of that chance.

“Because I’m so scared of being alone
That I forgot what House I live in
That it’s not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call”

Oh, I’m scared of being alone. Scared witless of it. Stay up nights thinking about it. Wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I think it’s a feeling that all humans have. I guess I have a double dose of it for my own weird reasons … the line of work I go into just doesn’t accept single people very well. It’s just not the norm. And while I’ve never been one to conform to norms, exactly how am I supposed to counsel a married couple if I’ve never been married myself?

“And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can’t plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just peace
Just to get me to sleep”

I’ve thought about this mess I’ve gotten myself into; I’ve prayed about it. It feels like an endless amount of time, but it’s not been two months since the notion first graced my heart again. It was harder this time in a lot of ways, and easier in many others. Of course, I let myself get too vulnerable, but if I err on the side of loving people too much, then so be it.

“And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I’m just wasting my time
Looking around?”

Derek Webb, in writing and singing this song, brings up the point that all of us hit when romance flags–was this it? Was another one in the past it, but we screwed it up and never could make it right? Have we passed the point of no return, and now it’s useless to try? Really, I don’t think so. If so, it certainly wasn’t this time out, to be sure.

“But you know I know better, I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothin’
‘Cause if the birds and the flowers survive, I’ll make it okay
Given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day”

I’m quoting this again, because this is where it falls in the song … and it’s the turning point. I had to make that point about rocks breaking windows and chances breaking hearts, because at the time, I was thinking of it. But I need to come back to it, because here, it’s my salvation. The Lord will provide, or He won’t, and frankly, I’m not going to have much say in the matter. This seems at first blush like quite a defeatist attitude, but it really isn’t–it’s a servant attitude. I think I can best serve God in a marriage situation where I have a life partner to buttress me in those hard times, but maybe God’s convinced that I shouldn’t be. I don’t know that–I can’t know that–and, frankly, I’ve “forgot[ten]what house I live in”.

“And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can’t plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just peace
Just to get me to sleep”

But I’ll still go see the movie anyway. And, for better or worse, I’m not only writing this but sending it out … and come what may. After all, this site really is just for me anyway … I happen to let the rest of you read it for whatever insight may be gleaned, if any.

–

This feels like the 14,000th edit. Normally, I write once and let it go. I keep coming back to this.

Was I in love here? No. I had the promise of love in my heart, though. I had hopes for love … high, high hopes. High hopes often cloud pictures of reality, and in my case, I guess it did. But I recognize that even the potential of love requires some vulnerability … and when I drop my shields, I pretty much drop ‘em all the way.

Sure, I saw signs, but I also saw good signs … but again, that could have been my own clouded view of reality. I can’t blame her for this, won’t blame her for this. She has a choice, and so do I. I chose to gave it a try … she chose that it wasn’t going to work, so … it won’t, I guess.

No, I’ve still only let myself fall in love once … hopelessly, madly in love. Some of my older friends remember that time … and they also remember where I was in May of 2000, too.

Anyway, here come Todd and Sarah, back from hiking a trail on Monte Sano. I called them earlier, so they’re probably a bit worried. I love you two … really, truly, I do. Kat and Sean, too.