If there’s anything that I’ve never wanted for, it’s self-confidence. At times, my quantity of self-confidence has bordered on the magnitude of the volume of barrels of oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge or the amount of vitriol spewed for by Gary Bauer and those of his ilk. But I have one weakness: women.

It’s hilarious to me that this should be so. Unlike most cocky-as-hell guys, I’m actually fairly sensitive. I cry at weddings, I cry at funerals, I cry at really sappy movies that tug at my heartstrings–hell, I cry every time I see E.T. So you’d think I could relate, right? Nope. I turn into a big bowl of jelly [not like my belly, which jiggles and shakes like a bowl full of jelly, in the same way Santa's does] around women. It’s rather silly to me.

I’ve been sitting here this morning, talking to Sean, using him as my sounding board for some things. He is a good pick–he and I are very much alike personality-wise, and I know he knows what he’s doing, because he’s convinced the lovely Katharine to marry him. [We worry for her sanity, but we try not to let Sean know.]

This sounds like Todd, but I’m going to say it: You know, I don’t know what my problem is. You’d think I’d transfer the same bravado and broggadocio from the other parts of my life into this very important one. But I … just … can’t … do that.

I guess Sean’s right: I recognize that I always have a woman’s best interests at heart when I start a relationship, and my fear of breaking their heart always keeps me from acting like normal.

It’s just that I always want things to work out right, and agonize over it … but they always do, I guess. The one relationship I’ve been most bitter about–the one I’ll play Puddle of Mudd’s “She Hates Me” for in order to get a laugh and bring myself back down from cloud nine–was perhaps the best thing for me. Dating M. let me sort out a lot of things.

The scary thought? I’m hitting the end of college, where most people settle down. I was in a wedding last summer, and I’ll be in two more next summer, I think. It does crazy things to me … and let me tell you, the search for Mrs. Right is in full gear.

About that, I have no self-confidence whatsoever. So, as with many things, I have turned it over to my God, whom I know will find me the right person and lead me to her. She may already be in my life, for all I know. I have a lot of hopes and wills about this all, but I realize that if I try to do this on my own, I’m going to fail. Just as I would have failed and gone nuts if I hadn’t started talking to Sean earlier.

Does any of this make sense to anyone but me?