As I write this, I’m conversing with John via the wonder of gAIM [him] and Trillian [me]. We’ve conversed about a variety of things, but perhaps most interesting to single, mid-20’s males like us:

Women–why we love ‘em, why they don’t seem to love us, what frustrates us about relationships, etc.
I told John I am a hopeless romantic [and I am]. He said, “I used to be a hopeless romantic. Then I gave up hope. Not joking at all.”

Predictably, I cracked a joke at that, but I know John’s serious. In some ways, I fear that I’ve given up hope, but I don’t think I’ve quite done there.

Part of me wants to say, “This is up to the Lord–let Him deal with it.” Every time I say that to Amy, she says something approximating, “Yeah, but you’re going to have to do some of the work.”

And that’s my problem. Me.

It always is. I will always do things for other people. I love to give of myself. I really don’t like to do things for me, though, because I feel selfish. Help someone out with GreyMatter rather than hit the gym on the way home from work? I’ll do that most every time. Stay up far past my bedtime to talk to a friend, even when I know I need to be alert the next day? I’ll do that every time. But take time to unload my truck? Nah. I’ve only had that on my to-do list since October. The only reason it’ll possibly get done tomorrow is that I’ll want the study breaks during the day of studying drudgery.

But with women, I am my own worst enemy. I let myself be attracted to the wrong women, when I never give the ones who show interest much of a chance.

Case in point: there’s one female that I’m half-convinced is interested in me right now. Have I reciprocated that interest? Only partially. I have played very-very-hard-to-get, and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m afraid of being burned. Maybe I’ve been conditioned not to let a woman in like that.

I guess the problem really is my unwillingness to be vulnerable. But without vulnerability, what is love? I will be vulnerable with friends, but with potential mates–and, yes, that’s the way I think of things, but that’s my nature, thanks–it takes forever for me to open up my heart.

The one time I opened up pretty easily, she wasn’t interested. M was younger than I was [exactly a year], and perhaps we were both emotionally unready for the serious relationship we both craved. I told her early on that I loved her, and I honestly think I did. But I was so stupid to just throw my cards on the table so early in the game.

See? I think of this as a game. It’s not, dammit. Anyway…

But I took things to a level of commitment that our relationship wasn’t ready for. I rushed it, and she resisted. She was probably right to resist. So in every relationship I’ve had since then, I hold off on speaking my mind. It’s as if I act disinterested, for fear of showing too much interest too soon. I put on my poker face [another game analogy] and let relationships slide right by me.

Until now, I hadn’t thought about the biggest problem I have: being vulnerable in due time. But that’s my problem, I guess. I figure if I can do that in the right time, to let the relationship validate the feelings in my heart at the appropriate time, well, heck, I might not screw up the next time.

But I’m human, and more importantly, I’m me, so all bets are off, eh?