Just about six months out from making my diagnosis known, and a bit over four months from when I got to a therapeutic dose, and things are going really well. I’ve gone through a stressful period in the last few months: Dad’s job situation changing, then mine not long after that. Have there been absolutely awful days? Yes. There isn’t a hangover, though. I don’t go through a run of just really, really, really shitty days where I can’t drag my mood out of the gutter if my life depended on doing so. I also don’t go through a week or two or eight where I think I can just rule the world, sleep four hours a night, and generally be a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
I just feel normal.
I’ll tell y’all, it’s really weird to feel normal after you’ve not been right for a decade or more. I’ve tried to figure out when the onset of my depression set in for me. I’ve just about pinpointed it to late in middle school or early in high school. I honestly don’t know how I got through high school and college like this, but I must admit that it was getting worse—way worse. That was the really bad thing about taking a while to get to a diagnosis—even though that is just going to happen, you know? I felt like we were doing a lot of the right things, and we were, but then it would go all apeshit and be even worse, and man … for a while there it just seemed like there was no fucking point to it all, really. Here I was, doing the right things, and it was getting worse? Really, God?
At this point, my blog is the only way that I know that the month of June 2009 exists in my world. I honestly don’t remember anything from about mid-May forward until early July. I don’t think I’m ready to face all that just yet. I realized a few weeks ago that I was anxious merely about going back down in that hole. Hell, it still scares me some as I’m sitting here thinking about it now. But it’s not anything that I can’t live through.
*hugs* You know that Sean and I are always here if you ever need anything. To hear that you are doing better is absolute music to my ears. You are one of my oldest friends and will always be important to us. If you ever need a break from Huntsvegas, you know where we are.
You just want me to visit.
But I do, too.
It’s funny to see that you’re in the same place I am as far as diagnosis and treatment. It’s beyond belief that I actually feel normal for the first time in as long as I can remember. Isn’t it a great feeling? I love actually being predictable (well… to a point) and not getting mood whiplash or whatever else. I’m glad you’ve gotten things under control and hope things continue to stay that way.