5W: Why I’ve Not Been Going to Church
So yeah, I’ve got anxiety about church. When I was in Nashville on Monday, Andy asked me about the situation, and that conversation set me off on a Five Whys path to figuring out the core problem.
- Why have you not been going to church? Simply put, it became a point of anxiety in my life, and I was trying to cut out those things if I could. I really couldn’t [nor did I want to] quit my job, but church was something that I felt I could quit—right, wrong, or indifferent.
- Why was church an anxiety point? Because I’m one of those Pareto 20%-ers who get caught up in doing 80% of everything.
- Why are you that way? I think I’m wired into servant leadership because a) I find that it’s the best way for me to lead b) I like to lead c) I show love for people by doing things for them and giving them gifts. My love languages drive me to servant leadership—and while that is a great and admirable thing [or so I tell myself when I can't sleep at night], it’s also terribly draining.
- Why is it terribly draining? Because I have a hard time saying no.
- Why do you have a hard time saying no? Because, in my love language, it’s tantamount to saying, “I don’t love you.”
And there you have it. What I need to internalize, of course, is that saying no isn’t a love language issue, for the following reasons:
- I am not always the best person for the job. [Work is slowly teaching me this, although I'm still the best scheduler I know and also the best clerk. Neither of these is terribly value-added, though, because I'm awful expensive to be doing either job.] Arguing that I am both stretches me too thin and keeps other people from getting to serve. Neither is a good thing.
- Even if I am the best person for the job, I have a finite resource of time, some of which I have to learn to selfishly withhold for myself.
There probably are more … and you can sound off in the comments. But I needed to go through this. Of course, now that I’ve squared all this in my head, I’m sick this weekend and better not sicken others.
I’m sure you can see this now, but by not being able to say “no”, you’ve gone from serving at close to 100% capacity to serving people at 0% capacity.
So when you eventually get plugged in again and you’re serving at 50% capacity (or wherever it is you deem to be enough) and you’re faced with a situation in which you know you should say no to someone, think of it this way. If I say “yes” to this opportunity i should turn down, I’m essentially saying “no” to everyone else I am already serving because I am jeopardizing my ability to serve at all. Learning to say no is not only an exercise in thinking about yourself, it’s an exercise in respecting the time and commitment of everyone you’ve already said yes too.
tough tightwire for all of us to walk though…
May 3rd, 2009 at 13:27Yeah, and I just felt like I got to the place in my last church that it was just assumed I’d say yes if asked—expected, even. [For example: I was thrown as an at-large member of the Administrative Council without so much as being asked, which is not how I understand The Book of Discipline orders that things be done.]
I did exhibit that in a couple situations, but notably where there were direct time conflicts [e.g., being asked to teach one Sunday school class when I was already substituting for another]. This is as way more about me as it is any church congregation I’ve been a part of.
May 3rd, 2009 at 13:30Not saying this applies to you, but some people have a rough go letting other people serve them. *innocent*
May 8th, 2009 at 08:28Get served for a while.
There’s a ton of serving to be done outside of the church. Who says one has to attend church to serve anyway? Inward service, inward service, inward service….this is the mentality and model of a large majority of churches (in America) today. Good for you to step back and out….now you have time to do some focusing on God’s service in the community
May 8th, 2009 at 21:18