Timidity
I think my biggest frustration in writing online right now is that I’m hyper-conscious of my audience. A lot of the things I’d like to write about right now could offend or upset people, and I do that easily enough without forethought; to spend time pecking things that I’m quite certain would offend bothers me.
As such, it causes me to quiet myself a bit, to censor self, to shy away from openness. That really goes against the way I write. You may not ever believe this, but I rarely, if ever, draft anything. All those great papers I wrote in high school and college? First drafts, written off the cuff. Do I spend time thinking about things before I write them? Absolutely. But I never commit words to paper or screen before just sitting down and writing. Yes, my writing probably suffers for this, but I find that drafting and endlessly revising sucks the very marrow and lifeblood out of my writing.
So, when I get in this pensive moods and have a lot of things to say, I find that I … don’t say anything at all. Well, I just find other avenues for it; I share things with friends and family as I need to work things out in my head. But most of all, in these worst times, I drive … which was why I was quite glad to go home last weekend to see my folks. Not only did I get to see Mom and Dad—always a good thing!—but I got to spend over seven hours alone with my thoughts. Wondrous.
Maybe I’ll spill some of it … more likely, I’ll tell you old stock stories.
This is very familiar to where I am with writing at the moment. I have so very much to express, but I find myself writing absolutely none of it.
February 13th, 2005 at 21:05It’s too bad that you feel the need to limit yourself like this
February 14th, 2005 at 11:21I agree with Roger.
Spill.
Sometimes, we need to be offended or insulted to see the other side of the coin. There’s this guy you might have heard of named Derek that’s pretty versed on offending people for their own good. Maybe he could give you some pointers.
That being said, I have always respected your writing, regardless if I agree with it.
Later,
Chris (from L.C.) <–half-serious about the Derek comment.
February 14th, 2005 at 17:11I think most of my desire to vent has passed. There might still be some there, and I wouldn’t be the first party to discuss things in veiled tones. But hey. It’s about bein’ cool.
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May 21st, 2005 at 22:14